Conflict Arising
When conflict arises and is there right in front of you, what happens? How do you feel? What do you do?
Today, we’re talking about conflict and how to be with it. How to not push it away or jump into the middle of it but how to approach and enter it mindfully with equanimity and lovingkindness.
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And, now, Let’s look at conflict. We all strive for comfort and harmony in our relationships with ourselves and others. But often the edges of our relationships and sometimes the very fabric of our relationships are ragged, torn, and sharp. When conflict arises, we either try to push it away (aversion) or go head-to-head with it (Clinging/grasping). Both os these create enormous suffering in us because resolution isn’t possible unless we are willing to accept and open to what is here.
Engaging in an open, kind, and equanimous way, is just the way that we can best meet conflict and resolve it. Asking ourselves little questions about our motivations, intentions, and about what's at stake for us help us know where we stand. This is a good place to start --giving ourselves space and time--because often we are so full of emotion that we actually don’t know where we are standing.
But, even now we are not quite ready to engage. Two more practices are needed. The first is to practice lovingkindness. I know it is hard to believe but the formal practice of lovingkindness (See Episode 7) takes the bite out and is a salve for hurt feelings and emotional upset because just like me the other person wants to be safe, be happy, and be at peace. I can't tell you how many times people have reported back to me saying, "I didn't believe it until I tried it. Lovingkindness practice really does takes the stick out and opens the heart."
The second is to sit in meditative enquiry. To sit in a place of equanimity—balanced, open, and neutral. To sense our mental attitude: are we stuck in the “it’s all about me” cycle of clinging? Are we open to understanding what lies beneath the conflict. Can we look at all sides and feel what feels true? We can step away from our viewpoint and take the other person’s or take an altogether new perspective? Can we ask "What's happening now?" Be with what's happening and feel how it feels in our body.
This is the power of mindfulness and lovingkindness to take us out of ourselves—the I identity and allow us to be with what is here right now in a place of equanimity. From here we are ready to engage in an open and heartfelt way to have that conversation to resolve the conflict.
I hope you enjoy the show. As always, I am grateful to you, my audience, and I am also grateful for the people behind the scenes who make this podcast possible.
Allie Allen for logo and podcast cover design;
Gorgias Romero for original music, audio engineering and production;
Bill Rafferty for technical web support; and
Margaret Haas for announcing the show.
Be well. Be mindful.
DISCLAIMER
The content in the podcast and on this webpage is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical or health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice and guidance of your health professional.
