The Wisdom of Equanimity—The Fourth Face of Love

Does the mind state of impartiality feel familiar to you? Or does your mind go or want to go to reactivity or indifference? 

How does it feel knowing that each of us are owners of our own actions and that the happiness or unhappiness of another depends on their actions and not on our well wishes?

Today, we’re exploring equanimity, that quality of mind that is impartial, calm, and even. That quality of mind that knows that each of us owns our actions and whether we suffer or are happy and that the well wishes of others do not change that. The equanimous mind sees clearly and receives without reacting what is right here, right now. Equanimity is the ballast that lovingness, compassion, and appreciative joy share. The equanimous mind doesn’t cling to anything and doesn’t push anything away.

It might feel difficult to see the wisdom of equanimity, especially when we are attached to the notion of “I” , the “me” that acts. Equanimity flourishes in a mind that is spacious and non-attached to the I or me. Experience flows through the spacious, equanimous mind.

Two particularly helpful doors to equanimity are these. First, to practice not owning or trying to control outcomes. Trying to control everything is futile and only agitates the mind. We can see this most clearly in compassionate acts. When we see suffering, concern and a desire to relieve the suffering arises in us. We ask, “How can I help?” and we act in some way to relieve the suffering. And, then, we step away. We do not attach ourselves to the outcome. We can’t control it and we don’t own it. But, we can give freely and calmly knowing this. Maybe it will do good or maybe not. There is freedom in knowing that no matter how we might wish things to be otherwise, things are as they are.

It may also sound cold-hearted, but it is anything but. This wisdom doesn’t say don’t express wishes of kindness, do acts of compassion, or feel another’s joy, it says allow the unfolding of what is happening without trying to control it. 

The second door is to practice receiving experience as it unfolds with impartiality. We receive what is unpleasant and what is pleasant equally. Our minds remain calm and balanced. We don’t react by pushing away what is unpleasant and clinging to what is pleasant. We receive all experiences equally without reaction. We pause. We allow. In this way, we train our minds let go of story, difficult emotions, and knee-jerk reactions. In tis way we can step back and see the big picture that experience is laying out in front of us. 

We also talk about what equanimity is not. It is not reaction. The reactive mind, that pushes some experiences away or grabs hold of others, is the opposite of an equanimous mind, that receives all experiences equally. The reactive mind grabs hold of stories, emotions, and actions. And, when you become mindful of it, you notice that it is a mind out of control. 

And, equanimity is not indifference. Indifference might look like equanimity but it is not. When we are indifferent, we see experience and we choose to ignore it; we choose to turn our backs to it and walk away. And, even then we carry the experience with us; it is attached to us even though we turn our backs on it. You pass by a homeless person lying on the sidewalk; you don’t physically push the person aside, but mentally you do in the hopes that you aren’t seeing what is there in front of your eyes. You might say, or another person might say walking by that you are indifferent to the homeless person; but are you? Do you see how indifference is a turning away from; a pushing away?

Equanimity shows us how everything is impermanent. Everything is ever-changing. Experience arises and passes away just as in the age-old story of the farmer I tell on the podcast. Events come and go like the waves in the ocean. The stallion leaves; the three wild mares arrive; the son injures himself training one of the mare: the soldiers come to conscript him for war; and then leave him with his father. At each turn of events, the father, understanding the nature of reality, says “Who knows what is good and what is bad.” He rides the waves of experience receiving it all without reacting—without pushing it away or clinging to it. He knows that the bad arises and falls away just as the good does.  Our lives are like the waves of the ocean. When we are equanimous, we calmly ride them up and down, with balance and ease.  

Training the mind to be equanimous takes practice. It takes many little steps over time. Our practice asks us to pause, before speaking and acting. When a difficult situation arises, see if you can pause, recognize what is here, and allow it to be here without reacting to it. Start with little things. 

Maybe someone says something hurtful to you, or someone ignores you, or someone misunderstands you or maybe something else. Maybe a physical pain arises—a headache, a toothache, an injury, or sore muscle or something else. 

Pause and acknowledge what is here. Let the experience of hurt flow through you; knowing that you are not just the hurt. And saying inwardly, “This is here. I can be with this as it is.” Repeat the phrase several times. Do this often. The more you do it, the more free you’ll feel and the calmer and impartial your mind will become. I hope you enjoy the show.  I invite you to listen, subscribe, and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen.

And, if you’d like to join a mindfulness meditation class, new morning and evening classes begin this coming week on Wednesday May 4, 2022 and run for eight weeks. The door to register is closing soon so go here now to book your class. And while you are there go here and sign up for the newsletter using the link in the footer of the website.

As always I am grateful for you, my listeners. I am grateful for your curiosity, your willingness to explore what might be uncharted territory, and for your openness to changing your life. And, I am grateful for the people behind the scenes that make this podcast possible. 

Allie Allen in San Francisco, California for logo and podcast cover design; 

Gorgias Romero in Santiago Chile for original music, audio engineering, and production; 

Bill Rafferty in Sydney Australia for technical web support and 

Margaret Haas in Los Angeles, California for announcing the show.

Have an impartial week. 

Be well. Be mindful.

DISCLAIMER: The content in the podcast and on this webpage is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical or health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the guidance and advice of your health professional.